the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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