He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
