so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize