I didn't shave. On purpose
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
