Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
