Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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