I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
