The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize