Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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