We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
