I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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