Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
