Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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