Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
