So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
