she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize