I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
