I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
