when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
