just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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