this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
