matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
