captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
