I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
