Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
