I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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