Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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