i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
