May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
