the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
