just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize