Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
