did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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