if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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