You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
