DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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