i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
