if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize