Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i will never coherently bang her
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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