I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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