I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
