No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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