my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can't turn off my feet"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
