My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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