I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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