proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
