his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
