My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
