i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
