my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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