Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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