I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
