alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
