My Higher Power is John Stamos
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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