Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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