Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
