True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
