I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
