I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
