So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
