Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
