The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
