Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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