just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
